Consider Yourself Dead…

 

Now there were some Greeks among those who were going up to worship at the feast; these then came to Philip, who was from Bethsaida of Galilee, and began to ask him, saying, “Sir, we wish to see Jesus.”Philip came and told Andrew; Andrew and Philip came and told Jesus. And Jesus answered them, saying, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. ″Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.″He who loves his life loses it, and he who hates his life in this world will keep it to life eternal.
″If anyone serves Me, he must follow Me; and where I am, there My servant will be also; if anyone serves Me, the Father will honor him. John 12:24-26

Last night I was reading a biography of Curtis LeMay, the much misuderstood Air Force General of WW2 and Cold War fame. I challenge folks to read about him from people other than those of the Vietnam and 60’s period. A very interesting man who was very much anti his stereotype.
I read where he gave a scared officer in his bomber group in early WW2 Britain some personal advice
“Nutter, you are probably going to get killed, so it’s best to accept it. You’ll get along much better.”
I guess many men have given similar advice. Maybe the writers of “12 O’Clock High” took this directly from LeMay or maybe many commanders at that time in 8th Air Force (the US strategic bomber force in Europe) may have given it as the more flamboyant General Savage (Gregory Peck). But, it does sound remarkably like the sermon my pastor (Ken Hardin, Grace Community Baptist Church, Monks Corner, SC) gave this morning.
The language of death is one the Bible uses over and over again…mainly to express bad things. But here, in John 12:24-25 Jesus uses it in a paradoxical fashion. He tells us that if we hate our lives we will save it. If we love our lives here on Earth more than God, we will lose it. Paul tells us to “consider yourselves dead to sin, but alive to Christ” (Romans 6:11). Or “”I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me” (Galatians (2:20).
In a very real sense, we who have been called to God through Christ into the church must die. Our desires for material things, safety, comfort, power in the world must die. For we have died in Christ.
As General Savage and General LeMay (then LTC LeMay) said, to them the only thing that mattered was putting bombs on target so as to end the war quicker…therefore consider yourself dead already. Christians, are already dead to this world. We are to have but one goal and ambition, serve Christ, glorify the Godhead by relying upon HIM  and living for Him, in Him.
I must admit, even this very weekend, I recieved a couple of affronts and took them very personally. One had to do with money (it really did hurt and wasn’t my fault…lets just say no groceries were bought this weekend) and one loved one selfishly assaulted another with their words…which lacked any understanding.  But, that is what we should expect. Everyone has those problems…as a Christian, I should expect far more for HIS sake (the 2d was partially so). But what seperates (or shouldseperate) believers from others. We do not take our suffering as against us, but as against the one who loves us and we know there is purpose…God’s glory in our suffering. He is served. I haven’t fully embraced this teaching, but I know it is true. Please pray for me, and I will pray for you that we will ultimately love God more than our earthly lives and will in effect die to sin and live with Christ.

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This was originally posted on my husbands blog.

www.word4men.wordpress.com

Was I in My Grave?

Yesterday, I had an experience that I had never had before. As a result, I beleive the Lord has led me to share the following from 40 years ago.

I opened my eyes and looked up, was I laying down? Was I dead and looking up from my grave? So many thoughts ran through my mind. There were people standing all around me, my Mom and Dad at my feet, my brother Charles to one side and other people I did not know. Wait, what was that. Crickets, bugs…. I must be in my grave there were crickets and bugs jumping all over me, but I really did not feel them. Lord where am I?

Then I heard a familiar voice, my Dad. “Cindy, Cindy, can you hear me?”

Of course I could hear him…what is going on…where am I…why is my Father calling me in this manner. The tears began to flow as all my thoughts and fears gripped me.

Then someone I could not see lifted my head and began asking me questions.

Questions, questions, more questions…… what was going on?

Next thing I knew I was being lifted up and placed on a bed… no not a bed a stretcher…. no not a stretcher… a gurney. One of those rolling beds they use in hospitals. Then I saw flashing red lights and sounds of a siren.

Lord will someone help me? What is going on?

Another familiar voice, my Mom. “Cindy, you have had a seizure.” Seizure wait a minute what is a seizure? I searched my clouded mind. I could not really comprehend what my Mom was saying, just that I must be sick.

But wait a minute, where am I, what day is it, what time is it, who are all these people…..

Mom continued, “the ambulance is here and they are going to take you to the hospital. Your Father and I and Charlie will follow in the car.”

More tears, I really could not speak as my mouth hurt and my tongue did not feel right.

Zip, click. They raised the gurney to full height and were rolling me to the ambulance. There was a policeman who had just come up who was talking to my parents. I could not hear anything and just continued to weep.

Zip, click. They rolled me into the back of the ambulance. The EMT started to take my blood pressure and explain that it appeared I had had a seizure. They were taking me to the emergency room in Franklin.

Franklin, what was I doing in Franklin? I lived in Viriginia Beach.

I asked the attendant what day it was. Oh the pain to speak.

He told me it was Friday about 6pm. Then he went on to say that I should try not to talk as I had chewed my tongue pretty bad……

Chewed my tongue?

With the sound of the siren in the background I could hear the driver telling someone all about what was happening.

12 year old female traveling in a car with parents appeared to have had a seizure, father said she had been uncoincious for quite a while. He told them my blood pressure and told them it appeared I had chewed my tongue pretty bad. There ETA 10 minutes.

My biggest fear……. what I did not know!

They rolled me into the ER and doctors and nurses were all around.

More blood pressure, checked my eyes, checked my tongue, took blood. I remember a nurse leaning down and asking if I was on drugs. NO!!! I answered. Well it was 1968.

I felt so weak, so tired, so cold. Where were my parents?

Then back to questions:

What day was it? I answered the EMT said Friday.

What was the date? Struggling to remember I began to cry again. I did not know the date, I had know idea what the year was. They asked me what I last remembered? After much time spent thinking I remembered I was sitting in the back seat with my brother…that was all.

The doctor was nice and explained that I need not be worried as it was normal after a grand mal seizure to have a temporary loss of short term memory. He said that I had chewed my tongue and that is why I had a hard time speaking. They were going to give me some medicine and send me home with my parents, but I would need to see my doctor on Monday. He excused himself and said he was going to see my parents and that I should just rest.

I closed my eyes and went to sleep.

Sometime later I opened my eyes, they were removing the IV, my parents and brother were there and they were putting me in a wheel chair. I was going home. Rolling me outside, they put me in the car. I laid down on the back seat with my head in my brothers lap.

Asleep again……

Wake up we’re here. Where? I sat up and glanced outside, we were at the lake. We had a summer place on Lake Gaston and that is where we were. Dad and Charlie helped me into the house and Mom helped me get in bed…… sleep.

For those of you who have never had a seizure it is hard to realize what it does to your body. This seizure had been so bad that I slept solid for almost 48 hours. Each time I awoke I remembered a little more about the time leading up to the seizure. Later I would have my brother and parents to fill me in on the seizure it self.

For the next 14 years I would continue to have uncontrollable grand mal seizures about 4-5 times a year. At 26 after the birth of my third child. They stopped! Just as suddenly as they had started they ended.

To this day I can still feel the deep fear and sadness upon awakening from each seizure. I never knew where I was, how I got there nor anything from sometimes a half day before the seizure.

When I woke up all I knew was…. oh no…not again.

As I said earlier, these began when I was almost thirteen, just going into Junior High and they continued through High School. This is normally a time when youth are their meanest and ugliest to one another.

I would like to say to all my classmates from Plaza Junior High and Kellam High School….you never made me feel like a freak…. as epileptics are often called. I was just another member of the class. Thanks for this memory.

Today I look upon my seizures as but a step in the Lord’s process of molding me into His purpose.  I hope that this story has in someway touched or helped all who have read this.

To God be the Glory…..

Brunch and Chocolates…..

Sacred Friendships: Celebrating the Legacy of Women Heroes of the Faith

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Sacred Friendships – Celebrating the Legacy of Women Heroes of the FaithBy Robert W Kellemen & Susan M Ellis / B M H Books

This book is a “must read” for Christian women.

I laughed, I cried…I was humbled.

In a time when women’s ministry is often synonymous with brunch and chocolate, we can all learn from the women in Sacred Friendships.

The wisdom, boldness, perseverance, love, and sacrifice displayed by these female heroes will make you want to put down that latte and get to work in the body of Christ.

This historical narrative presents the stories over 50 women and covers 2000 years of church history. The authors allow these women to shine their own light through their letters, diaries, and other writings. We also hear the words of those who were influenced by their faith.

These women teach us to balance life and doctrine, humble care and bold courage, content and character. They speak the truth in love. They teach, counsel, and encourage others through their words and through their actions.

The list of heroes includes mothers and sisters of the saints. It includes martyrs and deaconesses, wives of famous pastors, and women who quietly instructed and discipled followers in their rural homes. You will hear from women who boldly spoke out against and debated male leaders during the Great Western Schism, the Reformation, and the road to Emancipation. There are stories of those who endured slavery and those who fought against slavery. The book ends in a Nazi prison camp, where the faith of one woman encouraged and influenced those around her.

Diversity among the women in Sacred Friendships affirms that all women can serve in God’s kingdom. These women were married, single, and widowed. They included women of high position and political influence, peasants, prisoners, and slaves. Some were mothers and some never had children. All of them lived authentic lives of faith.

I am grateful to authors Bob Kellemen and Susan Ellis of RPM Ministries for including me on their blog tour.

I asked Bob:

Tell us about your speaking, writing, and consulting through RPM Ministries.

Bob: “I believe that most Christians care deeply, but struggle to speak the truth in love. RPM Ministries exists to equip lay people, pastors, educators, students, and Christian counselors to change lives with Christ’s changeless truth. We do so by speaking, writing, and consulting about Christ-centered, comprehensive, compassionate, and culturally-informed biblical counseling and spiritual formation.

Our passion is to empower the church and para-church to care like Christ. As a result, God’s people enter deeply into one another’s lives and make a significant different in the lives of hurting and hardened people.

RPM is our acrostic for Resurrection Power Multipliers. We based the concept upon Paul’s prayer in Philippians 3:10, “I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His suffering.”

We want to raise up a new generation of biblical counselors and spiritual friends who live out 1 Thessalonians 2:8. “I loved you so much that I gave you not only the Scriptures, but my own soul, because you were dear to me.”

How can people get in touch with you and how can they learn more about your ministry and about Sacred Friendships?

I can be contacted by email at: rpm.ministries@gmail.com

A free sample chapter of Sacred Friendships is available here

Sacred Friendships is on sale at 40% off for $12.99 here

To learn more about RPM Ministries, please visit: www.rpmministires.org

**** Please note the above review is from Tabitha’s Team site:

http://www.tabithas-team.com

 

 

 

Restoring Lost Intimacy to Marriage

Yesterday I posted an article from 1894 on instructions to a young woman on intimacy in marriage. It was of course NOT instructions that any wife should follow. The article, did relate to how pre meditated a woman can become about building walls between true intimacy with her husband.  These walls are often the result of guarding herself from the hurts of the past.

In her book Kiss Me Again, Barbara Wilson provides numerous stories of some of these women. Some were physically abused as a young girl, some may have been raped, some may have been promiscuous in order to obtain “love.” What ever the reason, these women are now wives who truly love their husbands and desire to have a close and intimate bond with them.

But they can’t…….. they can’t because their guilt or memory of trauma have inhibited them from “feeling.”  So what can they do? How do they change?

Barbara Wilson points them to the Lord.  “God can heal anything. And the best part? Not only can He, but He wants to. And He will.” She goes on to explain the difference between forgiveness and healing.

Forgiveness with God occurs right away!

Healing will take a while…….

When the past is related to a sin we commited, such as promiscuity or pre-marital sex. Then the process starts with confession of your sins. Lay your sins at the foot of the cross. Having faith that God’s Word has told us he removes our sin as far as the east is from the west and in Romans 8:1 reminds us there is no condemnation. Once this is done, you are forgiven. Immediately, without hesitation, DONE. 

If, however the hurt is related to what someone else did to you it seems to big. But nothing is too big for God. God knows everything, He knows what happened and He knows you were an object of a fallen world. When this is the case you must pray and rest in a God who is the very definition of pure love. 

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor;
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; 
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified

Isaiah 61:1-3

God alone can open up the prison of a closed heart.  Trust in Him.  

“Kiss Me Again” is a good book with wonderful and helpful information and counsel up to page 107. At this point I strongly disagree with Barbara Wilson in the section is entitled, “Asking God to Break Sexual Bonds.”  The author suggests the individual follow these steps:

“1. Ask God to bring to mind everyone you’ve had sexual contact with—-voluntarily or involuntarily. Wait quietly, allowing God to bring names to memory.”

STOP !!!!!!!

Secular psychologists may ask you to recall/relive your hurts as if you are exorcising them in this manner. The Bible however tells us not to be conformed to the world…… but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. 

Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, dwell on these things. Philippians 4:8

God is omniscient HE knows who and how we have been hurt or sinned. Dwelling on and recalling these occurences serves no healing purpose.

From here the healing begins. As stated previously, healing is a journey. The walls around your heart were not erected in a day, likewise,  your healing will take a while. Remember, while you may take months to learn to trust and allow yourself to feel vulnerable, God is with you and He will give you strength.

 P.S. For those of you who have “only” had pre-marital sex with your spouse… this applies to you! All sin seperates us from God. As long as you and your husband continue never having confessed your sin against each other, The Lord cannot bless you in all of the wonderful ways He has for you.

Please, if this is you, confess this sin to God and ask Him for strength and the words He would have you use. Go to you spouse and confess. Ask their forgiveness and pray they will likewise confess to you.

 

 This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

A Testimony of God’s Grace

There are many of us who worship the Lord and believe that His Word is inerrant and infallible. But do you believe it WORKS?…… Do you believe that the Word of God changes people no matter what they have done? He does!!!!

Read this amazing  testimony. I pray that any of you who have loved ones caught in sin….no matter what that sin is, that you will pray and rest in the grace of God. He alone is our hope…

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Ten years. That’s how long I lived in complete opposition to the word of God. I was a homosexual and everyone who knew me knew I didn’t hide it. In January 1990, I asked Jesus into my heart to be my Lord and saviour. Now I was gay and a professed Christian. I tried to be the best gay Christian I knew how. It didn’t work. I had no peace. The power of the Holy Spirit took away my peace. I was in agony. My life was not compatible with the word of God and I couldn’t live like that anymore. I knew I had to leave my life as I knew it. But I didn’t know how. I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t capable. But …….I was willing. The Lord took that willingness and carried me through my sin to forgiveness and redemption. It wasn’t easy but then again He never promised it would be.  I prayed for help, wisdom and courage. He answered that prayer mightly. The Lord provided for all my needs. He knew what I needed before I knew what I needed. He gave me a place to live so I could end the relationship I was in. He provided me with people in my life to talk to, pray with, encourage and love me. He educated me through conferences and seminars about how to walk away from the gay life and make a new life in Christ. As I got into the word of God, I learned about this new life. A life in Christ. He set me free from a life apart from Him to have a new life in Him. The Lord began to change my thoughts, my desires, my heart. This new life was just waiting for me. But first I had to surrender my old sinful life. As my old life began to fade away, a new one slowly came into view. A life so wonderful I could never have imagined it on my own. The Lord saw fit to bless me with a wonderful wife, Kelly, and a son, Andrew. These are gifts I couldn’t have without my willingness to change, my willingness to surrender.If you are struggling with homosexuality, know change is possible with God as your deliverer, counselor and Lord. Please listen to my full testimony. Read the information on my website. He’ll do whatever it takes. His love runs farther than you can run away.Yours in Christ,Eric

www.ericgardnersetfree.com

 

Being gay was all I knew how to be……….or so I thought. Scared and confused, one night I prayed,”God, I don’t know how not to be gay, but I do know how to be a Christian. I know how to read the bible. I know how to understand it. I know how to believe what it says. And I know how to do what it says. I’m going to start focusing on being a Christian, rather than not being gay.”  

 

If we could only see around the corner, around the bend, to the road that He has for us, we would see He has plans for prosperity and hope.

 

 

 

My husband and I have had an opportunity to work with Cross Ministries in the past and offer their site as an additional resource:

http://www.crossministry.org/

May the powerful testimony of these men be used mightily for God’s Glory…

 Having four wonderful men that we love dearly caught in this lifestyle this is something close to our hearts. We pray that through this testimony and resources you may be able to help others.

To God be The Glory

The Sacred Friendship Blog Tour Visits Word4Women

In Week three of the Sacred Friendships blog tour, Cindy Bailey, Director of Word4Women provides a review of this amazing and relevant book by Robert Kellemen and Susan Ellis.

If you have missed any of the past blogs please visit them at any of the links below:

 

Week Three

Here’s what you can expect to discover this week and where you can find it.

*Monday, October 5, Joshua Young:
http://salvationsogreat.blogspot.com/

Josh writes a full review of Sacred Friendshipshttp://3rdjohn8.blogspot.com/

*Tuesday, October 6, Bill Higley:

Bill reviews chapters 1-2, and 10-12 of Sacred Friendshipshttp://serendipityblog.com/

Rick writes a full review of Sacred Friendships

*Wednesday, October 7, Rick Howerton:

*Thursday, October 8, Cynthia Russell Bailey:
http://word4women.wordpress.com/

Cindy writes a full review of Sacred Friendships

*Friday, October 9, Ian Jones:
http://bcsfn.aacc.net/?page_id=11

Ian writes a full review of Sacred Friendships

Why Did God Create You…. Woman?

Recently I completed an essay question on my definition of Biblical Womanhood. I would like to share this with you and seek your personal comments.

~ Had you ever thought of “why” God created you woman?

~ Have you ever thought of “how” being created woman might affect your daily life?

~ Have you ever thought of “what” being created woman looks like in your daily life?

~ “Who” are you as a daughter of Christ?

Biblical Womanhood begins with being created by God in His image. Though male and female are both created in the image of God, Genesis 2 provides a clear picture of the roles God designed each of us to fulfill. Man was created from the dust of the ground and named by God.  As God worked in creation He declared all things good until after the creation of man, this He said was not good for there was no other comparable to Adam. God thus built woman from a part of man. Man is Ish and Woman as Ishshah, she is from man. She was built to complement Adam. She is his ezer kenegdo, a helper comparable to him.

 It is my belief that being taken from the side of Adam is a visual indication of her role. She is to walk beside him as if under his arm, being protected as the weaker vessel. She does not walk behind him as she is comparable to him and not inferior in any way. Depending on the translation of the bible you use, God himself is referred to in the OT as the ezer over 20 times. This provides a wonderful example to insure you understand this role as very special and of great necessity. Not in any subordinate manner.

God then allows Adam to name woman and he named her Eve; being the mother of all living. Woman should always be life givers. A woman does not have to bear a child to be a life giver. We give life through the very words we speak. If we do not understand our design we can become life takers. Again this does not mean to kill someone, but simply a hard heart and a sharp word can take the life from whoever is being spoken to.  This can be illustrated in 1 Peter as he addresses a woman married to an unbeliever. Through  a woman’s gentle and quiet spirit… I could substitute her life giving demeanor for gentle and quiet spirit. Not only will she complement her unbelieving husband, she also provides a witness for others. More importantly by being a life giver she can be used as a vehicle by the Lord as He turns her husband’s heart and he is converted. What an honor to be used as a vehicle to give eternal life.

When in Genesis 3 the serpent tempts the woman, three things occur: number one, this is the first question of the Bible. The first example of doubt and the first example of us seeking to be God. Additionally, it is the first indication of what would later be referred to as legalism. Adding to the Word of God specifically warned against in Rev 22. When the serpent asks Eve if God really said she could not eat of this tree, she replies that He said they could not eat from nor touch the tree. The Lord indeed gave the command to not eat of the tree, but He did not say do not touch. Finally as Eve ate of the apple, sin entered the world. The beautiful life in which God provided all the needs of Adam and Eve and the animals is forever gone.

Only through the “seed” of woman, the Lord Jesus Christ, will we participate in a perfect sinless life.

 Adam and Eve each receive their consequences as a result. Eve is to have much pain in child birth and her desire will be to rule over her husband, to usurp the headship given to him by God.

A woman’s call to submission likewise is life giving. If she is to rush forward and fill voids and act independently she steals from her husband the opportunity to step forward and become the servant leader he has been called for. She is not called to be subservient to her husband, but is called to joyously stand under his authority. It is her role to interact regularly with her husband. Whether it is about the family budget or how to raise the children, however; when all is said and done her husband makes the final decision and she gracefully accepts his decision. If she disagrees with him she should not bear ill will towards him in anyway, but she must go to the Lord and continue to pray for her husband and herself. She must ask the Lord to illumine them both. If in fact she is wrong she seeks the wisdom promised to us in James.  Should the husband have made the wrong decision, God in His time will bring this to his attention?

Proverbs 31 provides a wonderful picture of a life giver and the precious value of one like this, an excellent wife. All women should remember that Proverbs 31 presents a completed character. We will not be called upon to be/do all of the parts of Proverbs 31 at the same time. As we learn in the book of Ecclesiastes, there is a time for every purpose under heaven. The author and perfector of our faith will provide the time as suits His purpose.

As a woman steps through her life, from the moment she is knit together in her mother’s womb, God has already chosen her and set her future in motion. We can be assured that he will never leave us nor forsake us, that He is there as our helper as we walk as our husbands helper. Likewise we are to study to show our self approved, that we may lead a life glorifying to the Lord. Glorifying the Lord as we give testimony and teach younger women, the Word of God and the “why” of being created woman.

God has granted many wonderful and precious opportunities throughout the bible and into modern day. Lydia was the first European convert and was called to open her home as a house church, women were the last at the cross and the first at the tomb, the first to see and speak to the risen Christ and thus the first proclaim of His resurrection.  These are all wonderful and special, but cannot be used as any scriptural foundation for, preaching and having authority over a body of believers. In 2 Timothy we receive clear instruction as to how we are to conduct ourselves in corporate worship.  Also in Titus it is clear that men alone are to be elders.

In closing I would like to refer to the italicized “named” in the first few paragraphs. Naming is a designation of authority. God named Adam and then granted Adam the authority to name the animals and Eve.  The combination of this and the fact that God made woman from man and called her as a helper suitable….before the fall provides sound biblical evidence of the authority and headship belonging to man. This was God’s perfect will and purpose.

 *** from the original Hebrew

Keeping the Peace – Writing E-mail that will not Stir up Conflict

Recently I received an email that puzzled and hurt me. The email was requesting I do something I had been asked several times before to do and inferred that I was ignoring the requests. First, I checked my attititude as I called my husband to come and read. I KNOW that email can sound harsh when no offense is meant but this was VERY pointed. I went back through my recent correspondence. There was the first and only request….hum…. had the author added “multiple times” to make a point?  I did not think so. Then how could a simple request have snowballed into hurt feelings and harsh sounding emails?  In this case it suddenly became clear that the problem had occured as a result of an auto send feature.  My friend had asked I delete a particular email. I hit delete and considered it done….not so simple! Everything is linked to everything these days… Moral of the story…. don’t over react to an email. Remember you really cannot communicate tone or intent by short words in an email.  A favorite author or mine, Carolyn McCulley addresses just this issue in the following article. I encourage you to read this and if you had been shooting ugly emails back and forth with someone…… follow her advice.

Since it’s so difficult to read between the lines, it’s critical to be crystal clear in your e-communications. <!–

  

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“Can you tell me the thinking behind this?”

	Peacemaking Women With personal stories and advice firmly rooted in Scripture, this book offers hope for peace with God, peaceful relationships with others, and genuine peace within. $13.95 more info

The sentence resonated ominously across cyberspace. To the recipient, it dripped of condescending sarcasm. To the sender—me—it was a simple request for information. But there I was, not long into a new job, staring red-faced at the computer screen, fighting hot tears of embarrassment.

I had received an e-mail from an esteemed colleague who was displeased with my previous e-mail correspondence, and was questioning my “tone.”

Tone?! With no vocal cues or body language to set the “tone,” I wondered how I’d managed to communicate one. Should I have added a smiling emoticon, or would that have looked too much like a smirk?

My mind raced back to other similar situations where e-mail had thrown a wrench into even simple communication. For a fleeting moment, I was tempted to announce a full-scale retreat from the online world. Instead, I wiped my tears and pursued no-tech, face-to-face biblical reconciliation.

Unfortunately, my experience with misconstrued e-mail is not unique.

Ken Sande, founder of Peacemaker Ministries and author of The Peacemaker, says e-mail has added an extra wrinkle in business and personal communications.

As a former attorney and now a professional Christian mediator and lecturer, Sande increasingly has had to guide ministry and church staffs, as well as other groups, through friction that originated in e-mail or other online communications.

“People are much more careful in how they write a letter on paper than they are in how they communicate through e-mail,” he says. “The further you get away from a face-to-face communication, the more you lose your message-sending capabilities. It’s not good enough to communicate so that you can be understood, you must communicate so clearly that you cannot be misunderstood. There’s a huge difference.”

So how do we avoid problems? Here are ten practical tips for being a peacemaker online:

1. Start with an affirmative greeting. Sande points to Paul’s Epistles as a prime example of this practice. “These letters begin with statements like, ‘My brothers, I always rejoice when I think of you.’ When Paul has to do some stern correction, he spends virtually the first chapter just encouraging them, affirming his love, and the goodness of God toward these people. Those are tremendous illustrations of how to communicate—online or in real life.”

2. Look carefully at the first few sentences of your letter. They generally set the tone for how the rest of the letter will be received. “A little bit of a personal touch up front can cast other words in a very positive light,” Sande says.

3. Requote sections of letters you’ve received. That helps keep the thread of the conversation, and shows your recipient that you’re really “listening.”

4. Re-read your words. Can they be understood in any other way than what you intend? Is it obvious to the recipient that you have a spirit of inquiry, and not of assumption?

5. Don’t rely on gimmicky “emoticons.” Though emoticons [like the overused ] can help establish your tone, don’t rely on them to soften phrases that could be misinterpreted. Rewrite your sentence, instead, with the goal of precise communication.

6. Honor the biblical standards about gossip, especially because e-mail can be forwarded without your consultation. A good barometer of when you’re gossiping is whether you’d be embarrassed to have the object of your letter receive it accidentally. The same applies to forwarding e-mail you have received.

7. Keep it as brief as possible. If you’re having problems with someone, don’t dump an entire “case history” of your concerns in your first letter. A brief summary of the problem and an invitation to converse further will give the recipient time to respond, and give you the ability to choose your words in light of that response. Sande suggests using words like, “Could we talk about this?” and “I heard you did this, and it doesn’t seem to be consistent with what I’ve heard from you before. I’d sure like to hear your side of the story.

8. Don’t assume people know your mind. If you’re sending potentially negative correspondence, “Don’t assume the recipient knows you still think they’re a good or competent person,” says Sande. “Be explicit about it. Say, ‘Even though I’m disappointed in this particular thing, I know this is not your normal style.’ Give them the benefit of the doubt and clearly communicate your attitude toward them.”

9. Don’t send difficult letters right away. Save them as a draft and read them again the next day with fresh eyes.

10. Use questions wisely—not to make accusations. “Saying, ‘Didn’t I tell you to keep your bike out of the driveway?’ is not a question, it’s an accusation,” Sande says. “I regularly get copies of people’s letters in conflicts, and I’m almost embarrassed at the way some Christian people use questions in, frankly, a way attorneys do—it’s cross-examination.”

 

This article was orginally printed in Christianity Online (Spring 2000, Volume 1, No. 4) and is reprinted by permission

Carolyn McCulley is a freelance writer who lives in Germantown, Maryland. She writes for both the Christian media, including CHRISTIANITY TODAY and Christian Single, and the mainstream media, including The Washington Post.

 

A Better Way to Handle Abuse

As promised earlier here is the first of several upcoming posts on handling abuse. Whether you are the abused, the abuser or someone who knows of abuse. Please read this it could save someones life….spiritually and physically.

These new materials have three core components: • Inspiring – Model sermons and background teaching for your pastor to set a vision for what a culture of peace looks like in your church. • Teaching – An eight-week small group study to enable your entire church to learn the basic principles of personal peacemaking together. • Embedding – The resources needed to establish a Peacemaker Team and make peacemaking an ongoing and vital part of your church’s life.  more info

Sexual abuse in the church does not have to end in broken lives, agonizing lawsuits, and divided congregations. When people follow God’s ways and words, these terrible incidents can result in healing, justice, and healthier churches.

When victims of abuse first come forward, I have found that most of them are seeking four reasonable responses. First, they are looking for understanding, compassion, and emotional support. Second, they want the church to admit that the abuse occurred and to acknowledge that it was wrong. Third, they want people to take steps to protect others from similar harm. And fourth, they expect compensation for the expense of needed counseling.

As national headlines reveal, many churches have unwisely ignored these legitimate needs. Instead, like many other institutions, they have blindly followed their lawyers’ and insurance adjusters’ textbook strategy to avoid legal liability. They try to cover up the offense and deny responsibility. All too often they distance themselves from the victims and their families, leaving them feeling betrayed and abandoned.

Many frustrated victims eventually talk to a lawyer who tells them they could win a million-dollar damages award. Soon everyone is locked in an adversarial process that reopens wounds and generates even more pain and anger. Whatever the verdict, both sides lose, since money alone can never heal the wounds of abuse.

There is a better way.

God is a redeemer and a problem-solver. He has designed a powerful peacemaking strategy for dealing with offenses between people, including sexual abuse. When churches follow it, as I will show later, the cycle of abuse is broken and restoration can begin.

Compassion – If there is one place that victims of abuse should find understanding, compassion, and support, it is among people whom God commands to respond to suffering with tenderness and selfless love: “Be kind and compassionate to one another…. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit…. Each of you should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others” (Eph. 4:31; Phil. 2:3-4). Instead of pulling away from victims, churches should draw closer to them, listening to their stories, mourning with and praying for them, and bearing their burdens. Responding with love and compassion is one of the best ways to show that the church abhors abuse and is committed to serving those who are suffering.

Confession – Attorneys instinctively instruct their clients to “make no admissions.” Hundreds of churches have followed this shortsighted counsel in recent years, prolonging the agony of abuse victims, infuriating juries, and triggering multimillion-dollar punitive damages awards. In contrast, everyone benefits when people trust God’s promise that “He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy” (Prov. 28:13). When abuse has occurred, a church should express sorrow and acknowledge its contribution to the situation. It should also counsel the abuser to confess his sin, take responsibility for his actions, and seek needed counseling. These steps can prevent a court battle and speed healing for victim and offender alike. (Since an impulsive admission could allow an insurer to cancel coverage, church leaders should consult with their insurer, lawyer, and a Christian conciliator to plan their words carefully.)

Compensation for Counseling – The Bible places a strong emphasis on requiring a wrongdoer to repair any damage he has caused to another person. “Pay the injured man for the loss of his time and see that he is completely healed” (Ex. 21:19). Therefore, churches should be earnest to do whatever they can to bring wholeness to victims of abuse. As soon as abuse is revealed, the church should immediately come to the aid of the victim and his family, holding forth the redeeming power of Jesus and offering to provide or pay for needed counseling.

Change – When abuse takes place, statements of regret are not enough. Genuine repentance is demonstrated by making changes to protect others from similar harm. “Produce fruit in keeping with repentance…. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked” (Luke 3:8; Ps. 82:4). This requires immediately removing the abuser from his position, involving legal authorities as needed or required by law, and implementing screening and supervision procedures to prevent other abusive people from being in counseling or child-care positions. Such actions not only protect others from harm but also relieve abuse victims, who are deeply concerned that others not be treated as they were.

Conciliation – It may be difficult for a church to implement these steps if a victim’s family is already threatening legal action or an insurer refuses to support personal contacts. These situations can still be resolved without a legal battle, however, by submitting the matter to biblical mediation or arbitration. “If you have disputes, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church” (1 Cor. 6:4). Christian conciliation by outside neutrals can provide a constructive forum to deal with both the spiritual and legal issues related to abuse. This legally enforceable process provides appropriate confidentiality and promotes confession and restitution, which help to bring about justice and reconciliation.

These five steps are not theoretical. I have seen many churches follow this process, usually with great success. In one case, a pastor discovered that a man had abused several children in the church, including the pastor’s daughter. In the midst of his own personal anguish, the pastor prayed to respond to the situation in a way that would reflect the love of Jesus. After consulting with a Christian conciliator and the church’s insurer, the pastor and his elders set out to minister to everyone who had been hurt by this dreadful sin.

They persuaded the abuser to confess his sin to the families of the children and to turn himself in to the police. He willingly accepted his prison sentence, and was even grateful that his destructive behavior had finally been stopped.

The leaders spent many hours with the families themselves, grieving and praying with them, and making sure they received needed support and counseling. In addition, the leaders improved their screening and supervision policies to guard against similar incidents in the future.

They also reached out to the abuser’s wife and children, who were so ashamed that they planned to leave the church. But the leaders understood what being a shepherd is all about. They ministered to this broken family, reassured them of God’s love, and kept them in the fold.

Instead of being dragged through an excruciating lawsuit, the victims and their families, the abuser and his family, and the entire congregation experienced the redeeming power of God. This remarkable process culminated months later during a Christmas Eve service. As the church prepared to sing “Silent Night,” two young girls came forward to light the candles. One of them had been abused. The other was the daughter of the abuser. As they finished their task and smiled at each other, the congregation saw tangible evidence of God’s love and grace.

Abuse in the church does not have to end with catastrophe. When a church follows its Lord, even this great tragedy can result in healing and restoration.

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Ken Sande is an attorney, the author of The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Baker Books, 3rd Ed. 2003), Peacemaking for Families (Tyndale, 2002), and president of Peacemaker Ministries (www.Peacemaker.net), an international ministry committed to equipping and assisting Christians and their churches to respond to conflict biblically.

by Ken Sande, President of Peacemaker Ministries

This article in its entirety may be photocopied, re-transmitted by electronic mail, or reproduced in newsletters, on the World Wide Web, or in other print media, provided that such copying, re-transmission, or other use is not for profit or other commercial purpose. Any distribution or use of this article must set forth the following credit line, in full, at the conclusion of the article: “© 2005 Peacemaker^® Ministries, www.Peacemaker.net. Reprinted with permission.” Peacemaker Ministries may withdraw or modify this grant of permission at any time.

When We Are Afflicted…

“Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord’s great love we are not comsumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.” Lamentations 3:21-24.

There we were watching and waiting as the doctors began to treat our only little girl. Others were there too, as their children were dying also. Small little lives destined never to grow up.

“In a strange kind of way, we learned how lucky we were…

~ We met people who had but one child; we had three…

~ We met people who did not love each other; we loved each other very much…

~ We had a supportive family and friends; some had none…

~ We believed in God…….

Robin was wonderful, she never asked why this was happening to her. She lived each day as it came, sweet and loving, unquestioning and unselfish.

I made up my mind there would be no tears around Robin, so I asked people who cried to step out of the room. I didn’t want to scare our little girl (she was three years old). Poor George had the most dreadful time he could hardly watch the blood transfusions. He would simply say he had to go to the rest room. We used to laugh and wonder if Robin thought he had the weakest bladder in the world. Not true. He just had the most tender heart.

She slipped into a coma. Her death was very peaceful. One minute she was there, the next moment she was gone. I truly felt her soul leave her body. For one last time I combed her hair, and we held our precious girl. I have never felt the presence of God more strongly than at that moment.

George and I love and value every person more because of Robin. She lives in our hearts, memories and actions.

George Bush and I have been two of the luckiest people in the world, and when all the dust is settled and all the crowds are gone, the things that matter are faith, family and friends. We have been inordinately blessed, and we know that.”

Many of you never knew that George and Barbara Bush had a precious little three year old daughter named Robin who died very quickly from leukemia.  The paragraphs in blue above is a short testimony by Barbara Bush of the beauty from this affliction in their lives.  They faced the unthinkable, the death of a child. Not only did they see her spirit and God’s grace but they were moved by the sadness around them. Not just the sadness of watching a child die…. but the sadness of those less fortunate. Not in any monetary terms but in the richness they had from their God, their love and their friends and family.

Whatever affliction you face today or tomorrow or yesterday…. may you be able to count it all joy as you walk through the valley with The Good Shepherd, your loved ones and your friends.